On hold

I'm being put on hold to wait for several key things that could potentially change the course of my career. I guess it's the 3-year itch season once more. But unlike before I now know what I want to do - career-wise. I'm more sure of myself now (yes, yes, I'm growing..! finally! lol). This time there's no rush into things but I'm so ready to take on new challenges!

I'm putting on hold my planned year-end snowboardtour to Swiss, why? Because I seriously want to give training time for Tokyo Marathon. I want to complete the race to prove to myself that I can be strong. I'm learning to prioritize! We can only do so much in our lifetime ---so....why not focus on the ones that matter most? :D

Your mind will answer most questions if you learn to relax and wait for the answer. William S. Burroughs

Shopped at Gap's Men's

Finally TM is willing to go through the hassles to upgrade his 'image'. I've been telling him that he needs to value the saying - DRESS TO SUCCESS, especially since he's a journalist.

Last night was a spur of the moment shopping date and we ended up a big bag of Gap 1969 items! One item we both thought really looks good on him is the current 19689 Must Have, the white solid oxford shirt. Unfortunately, they didn't have stock for his size, so we ended up buying the ombre gingham work shirt,along with a couple of jeans, a vest and a tee. Gap's M size perfectly fits him which is really nice because he doesn't need to worry about alterations. And of course at Gap you get quality smart casual clothes at a reasonable price, plus the staff was really very helpful giving advises. At one point he felt he needed verification of my 'thoughts' with the friendly staff! <two thumbs up!>

Although a lot of people thinks otherwise, it's surprising how uncertain TM is when it comes to dressing up. He wanted to get my approval for the new fashion he wants to show the world - the 'new him' and it feels good that someone values my thoughts. But the truth is, I was just helping him decide from the choices that are available to him. The 'new him' is not really new, it is just probably a more refined version of him.

From time to time we feel the need to update our style and that's really good. But the basics should always remain - does the style reflect who you are? is it practical and consistent with your lifestyle and job? are you comfortable with it? does this new look make you feel good? If it does, then there's no reason not to go for it!

I Must Be Out Of My Mind

I chatted with an HR specialist today and I was surprised to hear what I have heard.

Honestly I don't know where your dissatisfaction is coming from. This salary, the interesting job you have, plus the freedom of time and the capacity to balance work and play, it is rare to have what you have. It feels like a waste if you want to give them up.

I was just as surprised to hear myself answering back:

Yes I supposed so if you put it that way. The problem is I feel my life has been stagnant. Yes, everyday is fun and comfortable but I need chaos to spark the fire within me. I risk losing some or all of what I have now, but I don't know if I want or need what I have now.

I am 100% not confident that I know what I want and need that is why there always is a shadow of doubt lingering. Maybe it is not the smartest move to get out of my comfort zone. But having no passion for doing stuffs is like living with a hollow soul. I really must be crazy.

Still In Doubt

When I was a young teenager and whenever I argued with my parents, well, my Mom in particular, she would always say that I'll understand things better once I reached adulthood.

20 years later and I still don't know what she means by that statement. Experience had led me to even more confusing facts as well as complex emotions that makes comprehension very challenging at times. To lightly describe the feeling: Funny. Sad. Intriguing. Scary.

When I was in my 20s, I had big dreams, big aspirations, and a very brave heart willing to be punched and punch to make those dreams come true. I was so sure of myself. But these days I tend to second-guess myself. I don't know why. Can I do it? Do I really want to do it? Have I got the passion to get through it? Questions I ask myself.

I'd like to think that doubt comes with the growing up territory because now you know better, now you know that the world out there is a tough one. Now you use your brains more.

Geez, have I been evolving? I hope so, in some ways. I won't redefine myself in my 30s but I have the drive to 'refine' myself to the kind of person I want to be remembered by. It doesn't matter whether if to some: I'd be a bitch, and to others an angel.

Bottom-line, I'd very much like to matter.

What Color Are You?

I had a chance to talk to some friends last night about each of us having our own 'color' that represent who we are. Pink is girlie, Black is either classic or boring (depending on how you accessorize them!) and so on. I joked and told my friends that I should probably start to think of turning 'PINK' because it seems that my love life is not turning into the more favorable direction, so a change, perhaps be a bit more girlie, could do the trick...?

One of my guy-friends strongly objected to the PINK idea. He said, pink doesn't suit me! I don't know if it was a compliment or insult but I laughed out so hard. Yep, I can wear pink but I can't be that pink. I'm more of a RED person: independent, passionate, romantic and brave in some ways. I think I'm sticking with the way I am, it's more comfortable to be this way ;) Screw love life! haha (read: you either take me or leave me for who i am)

So...what color are you?

The Heat! The Hats!

The past few weeks have been unbearably hot! To girls like me who don't like to carry around umbrellas, the next alternative is a good ol' hat! Yep, it's the 'In Thing' in summer, especially this year. We need to protect our skin from the scorching sun and 50++ SPF is not enough to do the job. Stay away from extreme heat to lessen the risk of heat stroke and skin cancer!

Guess what I've been listening to lately??? Take A Bow by Rihanna! Although feeling sentimental lately I refuse to take a bow?! I refuse to close the curtains and I refuse to say it's over now - how can it be over when I'm just starting to finally live the life-long dream?

Change Is Good

A couple of weeks back I was feeling down about the many changes happening in the organization I work for, in fact it is still happening. Yesterday I had the chance to know for the first time my new boss via video con. My first impression is that she's a very capable person. What I liked about her is she's honest that she doesn't have an IT background but she's very experienced. She also seem to be very people-person, which is very important to me. I see she's exerting effort to reach out to the local markets in a more effective way, something I didn't feel before. I have a feeling that I can learn a thing or two from her.
Speaking of change - I did a minor one, literally speaking. Got a new color for my hair and my hairdresser's assistant blow dried it straight. He is a big man! I mean really huge, about 6ft tall, bulky, tanned, with big hands - he's nowhere near gay :) He scolded me for not styling my hair, and really got upset when he found out that I don't blow dry it in the summer. He said that it's a waste because my hair is ideal for styling. He said that if I find it difficult, start with the bangs! It makes a big difference! And he further stressed that he's not saying this as my hairdresser but as someone who really thinks that I'm wasting something I've got..Whew---! So..feeling partly ashamed and happy being complimented, I decided to change my morning habit and start blow drying and as he suggested with the bangs!

We're all scared to take the first step after a big change happens in our lives. Yet,we have a great teacher: LIFE, who pushes us to take that baby step and peek at something unfamiliar and as we are pushed to take those baby steps, we wake up one day realizing that the thing foreign to us is no longer. Isn't that amazing?

Back To The Social World

My first social outing in 2 weeks! Yep I got out of hibernation to meet up with a new contact introduced by a common friend. I was added to another group consisting of a mix of foreign and Japanese members. They were nice and I like them.

I talked to one of them and heard about his experience volunteering in the north. He talked about unimaginable sorrow, the unbelievable destruction and the very sad plight of those in the north. He also said that because there is so much to do (and that includes retrieving dead bodies suddenly discovered while digging ditches) , one doesn't have the time to feel anything. It is just a matter of go and dig, and then move on to the next.

Down here in Tokyo, we're almost settled and we panicked at every slight shaking, but up there in the north, people are still trying to keep their lives together, what ever is left that is. 5 months have gone by after the quake and the reactor meltdown, but I hope we remember that there are still those in very much need of our support and prayers.

Dress For Success

Most of us learned through training or from reading self-help books that we need to dress smart to dress for success especially when the time calls for it - such as business meetings, encounters with high soaring executives.

I took the meaning quite literally - how to dress smart means to be in suit, to look serious and mature and that includes toning down the fabric shades. For a long time, it was mostly black and white in suits and smart casuals. Oh, and dressing smart is an overall package, meaning, that includes the hair and make-up. Busy IT professionals like us would rather spend as much time as we can in bed than face the mirror painting our faces and blowing out the hair to perfection.

But moving on from the IT world to the retail fashion world, I have learned a few new things. That dressing smart doesn't necessarily mean suits and bland shades. It means that you also have to put it in context - that's what smart is all about. I work for a casual brand and it would be OFF to wear something formal I have to wear the brand's passion. Today I have to make a presentation to the country's new managing director. It's about my updated 3-year strategy. I'm wearing a rugged jeans and a very simple limited edition fit tops from our brand. It's comfy and in ways I'm telling everybody that I intimately know the brand.

Makeup was a challenge but I took classes last year - first out of complex because my ex- would always complain that I'm never a girlie and that I don't wear make up. So I did learn a few tricks, and I can do it in 5!

The hair --ahh the hair. I'm trying to grow it long and because it's summer I found a practical solution. Got myself several fashionable clips so I can just gather it in one bundle (without even combing it) and then I'm good to go! And I stand by myself - to blow dry only in the colder season lol!

I didn't wake up realizing all these flexibilities. These are wisdom gained from previous experiences - failures, successes and those that will be in my WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN list.

As for my presentation later today, I know what I'm going to say. I believe in my strategy and I'll have fun as I learn new ways and means to talk the language of those high ranking execs.

Core Foundation

I believe that core foundations start with someone teaching you about how to do things the right way (well, at least from that person's perspective). Whether it is at business or in our private lives, we have routines, we have habits and ways of doing things that come out naturally, without us even needing to pay attention.

One of those I have is the use of 'Dear OOO' and 'Best Regards' in a business email. It was something that got in me when I first start to work and my IBM 先輩 (senior, errr trainner??) told me that was the standard way of writing. Fresh out of school I easily absorbed it and even now, most of my colleagues don't even bother to say the name in the greeting section, I still respond with the Dear and the Best Regards. I don't know, I just think that it's polite to do it that way. Besides it also helps me remember who I am writing to which is really a good mental preparation for how I should be writing.

I don't intend to change the way I write business emails because it works for me, I feel good that I'm being polite, and it also helps me put my thoughts together, acting as a reminder of who I'm talking to. To others it may not mean anything, but then again, if you think about it, don't you feel happier when you receive something that has your name specifically written on it? It means that the person recognizes you as a person.

Broken Thoughts

It's so hot, isn't it??? I'm very close to giving up to the heat and buying a new aircon. Nevertheless, I'm determined to lose the excess weight so I'll do the routine - Core Rhythm and then Yoga, and today I'll probably soak in hot bath.

I wonder what I'll wear in this weekend's tournament, hmmmm.....I don't intend to practice until the actual day itself, I'll probably lose the rhythm a bit, but I think that's enough to restore the power, gotta rest! rest! rest! Fashion takes precendence at this moment hahaha!

My eyes are about to close, I'm really really sleepy and want to go to bed soon, the only problem is I cannot stop watching World Champs. I should learn to stop when it's time to.

Have you ever have a dream when you all of a sudden free-fall? I always do. I wonder why. It's not a good feeling at all.

Look Around

I've gotten used to the Mind-My-Own-Business attitude that I rarely look around me when I'm walking or in the train, or even in the office. It's shocking to realize that I don't know the people who are in the same floor with me, just because we've never worked together.

This attitude has spared me unnecessary stresses but lately, I've realized that it also prevents me from seeing the world as they are - in its simplest realities such as the Mom & Daughter wearing exactly the same sandals, in its very diverse form such as seeing extreme fashion, or a sleeping (and probably very tired) salary man, or a happy young couple carrying their infant baby, or old couples who still hold hands. These are raw facts of life! The ones that make you realize that there is no straightforward, no strict rules how to live and be who you are. Observing the passengers got me a sense of relief, unexplainable, indescribable sense of being human. That alone was enough to put a smile on my face.

I should pay attention to the details of what everyday brings me because they make up the totality of the day. Plus, at the end of the day, it makes for good writing material :D

Passing Time At The Cafe

When was the last time I could afford free time at the cafe? The last was probably at Nakano about 4 years ago..Wow, it's been that long when I used to spend half a day sipping coffee while finishing up a book. Today I had 30 minutes to spare before my next appointment so I took time for the Ichiro book that I bought several weeks ago. I'm amazed to know that even as great a hero as Ichiro Suzuki, he spent 7 years of his professional life in Japan feeling lost and frustrated that he couldn't give his best. He tried to escape the environment but failed, and in the midst of that feeling lost, he just continued and went on. Look at him now. Arguably one of the best baseball players of all time. But in all of these, Ichiro Suzuki has been very focused, prepared and mentally tough in the pursuit of excellence. It's remarkable how he does not read any newspaper or magazine during on-season because he doesn't want to be distracted. In one of the pages of the book, he said that no matter how much we say we will not let what others say or write about us affect us, it is not true because we're all humans. Ichiro is also a very lucky and I guess intelligent guy to have picked the right partner in life. His wife is behind him all the way, all the time. She's sacrificed her career and her life revolves around supporting Ichiro. It is true what they say. huh, behind every successful man is a woman. Upon reading the book, I realized that Ichiro's success has got nothing to do with luck. He worked hard, he was very focused, he knew what he wanted and he was thinking about excellence all the time. Plus, he really love baseball.

When we work our hardest, when we give our best, when we let our passion rule over the insecurities and fear, when we play it fair in pursuing our deepest desire, we will be rewarded with good fate and good life. That I guess is Ichiro's legacy.

What The Hands Can Do

I still receive PMs asking for advise that concerns badminton -

• where can I play?



• we're looking for a coach?



• i want to improve my game what should I do?
  



• I also still receive appreciation PMs, and wall messages.

And questions when they'll see and play with me again.
And just about several hours ago, I've accepted the offsite assignment to cover the QF,SF and F of the 2011 Badminton World Championships. Silly I know, but it seems I can't fully get away from badminton. This is going to be the first time I'm covering offsite. This will be an interesting experience. Although I admit that blogging constantly for the past 6 months thru my Badminton & a T.O.T.A.L site, I've grown more confident about my writing. True indeed - practice makes perfect. I guess I finally proved my Father right - that if you have talent to write, it will come naturally and the opportunity will present itself in the right time. Although, honestly speaking, I think writing has got to do more with what is inside your heart, with experiencing raw emotions and eventually coming up to terms with your own demons. Writing is about baring yourself to the world knowing that there will be criticisms, there will be those that oppose to your points of views and those who will think that you don't know anything. On the other hand, writing is also a way for me to communicate my thoughts - out to the world. If there is even one person I influence for the better, then it is worth my while.

I miss Badminton & a T.O.T.A.L. very much...But I have to learn to FOCUS for now.

Surprise Birthday Cake

I've been blessed to have such caring, wonderful, true and fab girl friends. The ones who don't need to be called to be there for you. They reach their arms out when they feel that you need them. They give time amidst the busy lives that they also live. They give you the warmth of unconditional and genuine love and concern.

Today, Fumika, Naho and I went to Barbara Cafe in Lumine 1 6/F. Very nice ambiance, quiet enough to make good conversation. These good friends of mine lend me their ears as I pour out frustrations here and there.

Just as I settled down, the staff came out carrying a birthday cake heading towards our table. I was not paying so much attention because I know neither one of us is celebrating birthday. I even frowned when the waiter stopped in front of our table. And to my surprise, the whole staff sang Happy Birthday! It was a very successful 'SURPRISE'. I was not expecting anything near it and was very much touched at the gesture, that I almost cried. But crying in public 2 times within a week is too much haha! Oh sweet friends!

I'm truly blessed...in many many many ways. I sometimes need
to remind myself of that. Thank God for the best blessings- that of true friends.

When Depressed....Book Read

When I was young and upset that my parents couldn't come to PTAs or school recognition day because they're both busy with their professional and social lives, I would always retreat to the comfort of my bedroom and read. I was practically raised in the public library, when kids were sent to nursery school, I was 'entrusted' to the Quezon City children's library when I was barely 3 years old. So...at 5 years old, I have read all the children's books there was - all in English of course lol! And I remember looking dreamily at the other section where more grown up kids go. At the age of 6, the good librarian gave me my 1st official library card, and I started to read Nancy Drew (of course!) and thus, the start of my love affair with books.
I bought How Starbucks Saved My Life, a true story by the author Michael Gates Gill, a man who was born into upper class, had a very successful career and with a flick of the eye lost everything - his job, his family. As fate would have it, he got a chance to be employed at Starbucks as a barista, he was 64 years old. He cleaned the toilet, did he coffee, throw out the trashes, punched the registers and performed seminars and taste-tests. And as he went through his 'journey' through what he thought was a horrific world, he learned a lot about true happiness, respect and love for self and others. Isn't just amazing how our most desperate times turn into a passion to become better, to improve. J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter's author was broke, just had a divorce and was desperately writing the Harry Potter first book in a cheap cafe somewhere in suburb UK. Had she given up,there won't be any Harry, Hermione and Ron. It never ceases to amaze me.

Going back to the book, for starters Starbucks didn't save my life. But it did offer new management techniques (I have the 1st starbucks book but it's currently in the hands of a friend hahah) and it revolutionized the meaning of 'customer service'. As to Mr. Gill and his book, I like it - for it is simple, direct to the point, raw with emotions and honest. Everyday is a blessing, every hurdle is a tease, every success, if earned with hard and honest work is all worth it. Tears are all worth it, if it means getting a step closer to happiness. Good night world!

World Children's Arts Contest

On my way to the Shinjuku JR train station last night, I chanced upon an art exhibit at Takashimaya's 2nd floor. Pieces that won Gold/Silver/Bronze/Finalists of this year's World Children's Art Contest were on display. 3 particularly caught my attention.
The 1st one is this runner up drawing entitled 'My Drinker Father' of a 10-year old child from Ethiopia. As I look at this piece, I can't help but think about the kind of life this child has with a father for a drunkard. Children, even though they don't mean it, really do absorb the facts of their environment. This child is so talented and what amazes me is in spite of the dark subject, the overall picture looks vibrant with the use of fuchsia pink in the background and vibrant green to accentuate, I feel....acceptance.
This second drawing is a gold medalist, untitled from an 11-year old from Serbia. What I like about it is the technique! This child is only 11-years old and he/she already manipulates symmetry. Look at how the straight lines are used to create a seamless balance. Earthly colors nicely contrasted to make you feel like you wanna go on home-stay somewhere in the countryside. Plus, I love paintings of women! My image of Serbia has always been a very 'cold place' up in the north. So curious why a younger would paint something about green fields, I googled. Serbia sits in the Baltic region in Southern Europe. I've mixed Serbia with Siberia!
This last one is another gold medalist painted 'The City' by a 10-year old from Belarus on watercolor! I've always struggled handling watercolor in my art classes before. How super cool is that?! This is a piece that I would buy and would like to hang in my living room. I think (warning: I'm no expert!) that the watercolors were splashed out as a base and then the artist work out the details after that, thus creating a very bright (or rather light?) horizon. This one's so happy and alive. The artist, only at 10 years old already is signing his/her style into the art. The root of the structure is spiraling in a singular upward motion representing harmony, and notice the slightly curving, leaning lines at the sides adding creative tension.
Wow-! Imagine the artists are not even in their teens yet and they produce superb superb pieces! The future is indeed bright!

Semi-retiring From Badminton

The decision to indefinitely semi-retire from badminton probably came as a shock for most badminton friends. Surprisingly, not to me. My shoulder injury will never heal. Don't get me wrong, I still very much love badminton. But sometimes it is necessary to distance yourself away from something or someone you really really love, in order to rediscover the passion and re-establish the appreciation of it. Japan Yonex Open is my last commitment to write for Badzine and I will hell write the best piece, my farewell piece.
Yesterday, I played with the elders in my neighborhood. Ysan, the leader's face lit up when I showed up!
I used to hate doing drills. I guess it is in the consciousness that standing on a badminton court for the last few times that makes every stroke, every play enjoyable. I had too much fun that after I smashed during the follow-through, my racket cut my upper thigh! :D I had my first smile since yesterday when Ksensei kept on hitting awkward shots, those that you rarely consider would go in. Badminton is really fun!

Although very tired, I still joined KOBC practice at night. Ty, a good young player told me that one of the fake-drop shots I did was way too cool and he wanted to learn how to do it. Ohhh^^^^ someone said my shot was way too cool!!! and asking me to teach him how to do it?! It was actually a drop receive shot (but from the shuttle flight positioning, it's more of a soft push) with a backhand grip, racket slightly facing right but at the point of impact you make a shift downward flick to the left to cause the shuttle to wobble to the left. I now remember that I used to do that probably once or twice in a day. I'll brag a little and say that it's my original style (hopefully), came out of my prior experience in table tennis (think backhand under spin). My one hope at KOBC last night - that Z will not talk about the previous night's incident (different from the fight). I'm just too emotionally loaded to deal with that now, these last few days the drama is just too much! To my disappointment he asked to walk with me until home. I did my best to limit the conversation and I think for the first time in my life, I was able to cut him out in the most polite and friendly (but yet detached manner). Well, I guess at some point in our lives we eventually learn.

Sunday After The Fight

At about 7am I sent out an appreciation mail to the volunteer organizers of the previous night's events <something I learned from John E!>. TM was obviously awake too, he immediately responded and say sorry but he still didn't know why I was angry the previous night.
It took me 1 1/2 hours & some advices from the book I've recently read - Why Men Don't Have A Clue & Women Need More Shoes to decide whether I'd answer the question or leave everything in silence. Somewhere inside me doesn't want to end this way so I eventually and painfully composed carefully-selected words to respond to the email detailing why in the most precise ways (of course leaving out a few details that involved the jealousy part).
I didn't realize that reading this book would be very timely and will come very handy in dealing with the situation. He hasn't responded since then and I honestly don't know if we will get passed this. I'd like to look on the bright side though- I threatened him that Saturday was the end of it, he said I got it and verified that it involved never contacting each other again, which I replied yes to. Then there was an email exchange the morning after, so maybe.....just maybe.
All's been said and done. And given the chance to redo over again, would I have said the exact same things? I've been asking myself that since yesterday. Strangely the answer is yes. Yes, I don't regret telling him my frustrations. My only regret is waiting for it to accumulate and explode. I saw the earlier signs and I should have said things earlier.
I guess this is how it really is...We go thru ups and downs with a person to test whether we can withstand life's roller coaster ride and to test that in spite of the ugly realities that sometimes come our way, we emerge together.
It will be such a waste if this will be end to a beautiful beginning.

A New Chapter Begins...Today

I guess I'm back! Welcome to a new chapter of my journey. I'm sure it will be rougher but more exciting, tougher but much more rewarding, and knowing me <yes I know myself more now!> I promise there will be more drama - tears, laughter, fear, pain, happiness and love.

Before I dive deep into this new beginning, it is but proper to pay tribute to the most influential person in my professional life. He's been an inspiration and a role model that I would really like to emulate one day. John left us and he'll be leading another company.

I know this is not goodbye, I'll closely be watching you! For now, thank you for the trust you put in me, for appreciating my accomplishments and for always praising my fashion sense. I really look forward to the day we have a chance to work together again.