After that hard and long talk with HB and after a bottle of red wine consumed, I began to realize that he had two major dilemmas - he's absolutely intimidated at our positions in the company. Why didn't I see that coming? He's been mentioning 'hierarchy' with me up there and he is nothing but my 'operator', my 'staff', my 'worker', my dispensable resource...I never thought about it that way, I've had big expectations from him. But then, these are life's realities. My work and professional achievement is something that I think I've earned and truly deserve and no matter how much I strongly feel for him (God knows that I can give all these up, if he ask me to), I could never give up my thoughts, ideals and points of view. I owe it to myself and my name...Another thing that occured to me was that he couldn't handle the company gossip, starring no other than the two of us. I think he doesn't know what to do, I wouldn' t either, had I known. No matter how we try, Japanese society is just not ready for an intra-office affair. I probably am not too...
Then again, in spite of, we managed to talk thingw thru. We didn't arrive at any resolution but patience and time we poured trying to squeeze our brains out in order to understand each other is something I'd never discount. This is something I've never had with Sunya - willingness and open-mindedness to hear out your partner's points of view, no matter how tough times are. I maybe fooling myself, but I'd like to think that we really, truly care for each other very much. Sadly, our professional life is in jeopardy, and although I'm leaving soon, I wouldn't want him to bear the entire burden, I wouldn't want him to be tagged as that someone who had an office affair. That's what keeps me holding on to my decision - to stay away, as far as possible, until we iron out our differences and until we both are sure that we embrace this complicated life...Why does it have to be this complicated anyway????
But then again, I'm slowly beginning to understand....
It is in loving—not in being loved—The heart is blessed;It is in giving—not in seeking gifts—We find our quest. —Anon.
4 件のコメント:
emz, paano yun? when you say you'll be leaving, does that mean you're moving out of Japan or just moving somewhere in a farther city?
My TB wants to be friends coz guys can do that and he wants me to think like a guy. "Letting go doesn't mean letting go of the firendship,"he says. Its hard, Emz. I'm "trapped between goodbye and I love you."
hi ton, i'm leaving the company...i'm not very happy with the way things are right now and while i'm here there's never gonna be a chance to move on. i'm discussing my options with two companies right now, both are pretty ok naman..hay naku bakit ba ganito kacomplicated?! hahahaha, it sucks to be trapped in the middle noh?!
you're not happy with the way things are right now in the company professionally or because you work with HB and its causing work problems? hehe
If HB, you're right, there's never going to be a chance to move on if you continue working in your present company and he's uncomfortable of the gossip involving you and him. That may be the reason for him requesting space.
I dunno, i guess when you really love someone, you just have to let them go.
i'm not happy with the way things are in the company professionally and i also am not happy that work is getting in the way. Hay ang complicated talaga ng buhay! hahaha, pero i'm really tired, both physically and emotionally....
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