2009 Christmas

This isn't the first time I'd be spending Christmas eve alone, and yet it feels like the saddest I've ever had. I am grateful that my family's health is good, I have a great job that I love, I have friends, I can do whatever I want to or go whereever I want to but there is this empty spot that is just so overwhelming. I feel as if a thief stole my heart, my aspirations, my dreams, my happiness. I know they say that happiness is something you decide but the truth of the matter is no matter how much I fight the feeling, I am sad. And I am lost. It's this sinking feeling that makes me desperate. I'm done with alcohol. Unfortunately the gym is closed today so I cannot beat myself up and people are supposed to spend time together with special loved ones tonight so who am I to demand my friends to surround and comfort me? Out of this desperation is a scary cloud of anger building inside me, rage I am so afraid to let lose, and a desperate with for a fairy godmother to take my hand and fly me out of these awful memories and even just for tonight, would wave her magic wand over me so I can sleep soundly the night away.