Sometimes Things Aren'T Really What They Seem.

Unfortunately, I had to go the IS party together with HB because KC left me after telling me that we go together....He was teasing me and running away from me. I would have just walked out and snob the party, but I figure whatever?! Another unfortunate thing is we had to take the cab. It was the first time in quite a while that we ever got alone privately in a small closed space outside of work. It was also probably one of the most deafening and uncomfortable experiences of my life. All I could do was sigh when in fact, a lot of things were running in my mind. And all of a sudden I didn't know what to say. I tried to open up a conversation, which I don't remember what, and he said 'i don't care' in a teasing way...I then whispered to myself 'You never cared anyway, so I don't care too!'. And he was taken slightly a back and echoed 'you don't care...?'. I said, 'I dont care that you don't care, since when did you really care anyway...' I caught him speechless.

Shortly after our IS Meeting, he slightly touched my shoulder to get my attention. We are getting a little comfortable again. In danger of being 'too close for comfort'. And then the taxi thing happened. We got off at the intersection near Isetann in Shinjuku and apparently he also didnt know the way, and so we waited until everybody else caught up with us.

I had a good time talking with new people and KC was making fun of me. HB was in his moody state and I really didnt want to care. I'd like to believe that everything's fine now. We have great working relationship, but truth is, it is not OK. It never was. I never was. And I think he isn't as well. Otherwise, we wouldn't act like this.

On one hand, I wake up everyday excited to move on but at the same time I go to work everyday dreading the time he had to come back in my life's picture tube. I don't know how much longer I can stay here. I wish there's someone sensible to talk to and I hope someone will just take my hand and pull me out of this.

I visited Ton's blog and tears were running down my cheeks while I was reading her articles about her pregnancy. I hope I can be as lucky as her. If I can ask God I'd like to know where my miracle is.

I also had a brief chat with Mommy Julie. She told me to be careful not to lose gas in the highway. I told her that I'm losing it and I'm willing to put my faith in the tow truck to rescue me. I told her that I hope things turn out better because I dont want to end up hating my job just because I've burned out. And I dont want to fear it just because it broke my heart.